Lessons After 1 Year Since Being on Suicide Watch

By | 2017-11-10T16:53:12+00:00 November 10th, 2017|mental health|

Trigger warning: this article contains graphic descriptions of suicide, self harm, and substance abuse. On the 31st of October 2016, I was put on suicide watch. I thought that I was losing my mind. I had spent two or three days feeling manic and suicidal, and like my emotions were spiralling out of control. I was worried I was just going insane and that I would never feel good things again. I felt a constant undercurrent of manic energy and tears were persistently collecting behind my eyes. My thoughts were always racing, and all I could think about was how [...]

Every Day You Must Choose Recovery Over Self Destruction

By | 2017-12-07T14:18:18+00:00 August 31st, 2017|mental health|

Trigger warning: this article contains graphic descriptions of drug usage and addiction. I miss recreational drugs a lot. Whenever anyone tells a story about doing cocaine, my body reacts instantly. Within half a second, my heart rate elevates and starts beating out of my chest. My muscles tense in anticipation, and I feel a rush of adrenaline through my chest and stomach. Images of using flash repeatedly in front of my eyes and my brain tells me over and over that it wouldn’t be so bad to start taking drugs again. I haven’t touched drugs since October 2016 and yet [...]

What is Splitting? – Living with BPD

By | 2017-08-26T15:04:43+00:00 August 26th, 2017|mental health|

Whenever I break up with a boyfriend, or end a friendship, my heart becomes instantly cold towards them. It’s almost as if all my memories of them become fuzzy around the edges, and I feel nothing towards them anymore. I used to think that this made me a monster, but I can now see it as a defense mechanism. This is one aspect of splitting, which is a symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotional dysregulation disorder. Splitting is when you experience extreme black and white or ‘all or nothing’ thinking. Most people experience this to some [...]

Perfectionism is Killing Me

By | 2017-11-02T21:22:04+00:00 June 27th, 2017|mental health|

Perfectionism is slowly killing me inside. My psychologist refers to the phenomenon as ‘unrelenting standards’, which means that I set a standard for myself that can never actually be attained. These standards also do not apply to other people in my eyes. This covers all aspects of my life, from relationships to academic achievements. I could view perfectionism as a positive, other than the fact that I experience constant stress and anxiety because of it. I have quit so many things that I have started, from university courses, to online travel writing courses. I quit them because I felt like [...]

How to Travel with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

By | 2017-07-28T23:51:28+00:00 June 21st, 2017|mental health|

I laid naked in the foetal position on the floor of the hostel shower, crying uncontrollably while my friend stood over me to supervise. I had made the mistake of going out drinking on a pub crawl in Buenos Aires, against all my better judgment. Alcohol amplifies the symptoms of my borderline personality disorder (BPD), and makes it so much harder to block out the intrusive thoughts that I am ugly, unwanted, and unlovable. When these thoughts had taken over, I had called my boyfriend in Australia and asked him over and over if he still loved me and if [...]

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

By | 2017-12-07T15:23:48+00:00 May 27th, 2017|mental health|

Trigger warning: this post discusses self harm and suicide. I try to be as honest as possible in this post, recognising that some of what I say may be confronting for people who aren’t used to this kind of mental illness. I also highly recommend reading this guide by SANE Australia, which I found extremely helpful when I was diagnosed. “Don’t date a borderline, they will ruin your life. They’re manipulative and they can’t feel empathy.  They will take everything from you and then leave you destroyed, before moving on to ruin their next life”. This is a common sentiment [...]